I miss my dad! He died from Cancer.

I never would have dreamed that would be his last visit home. He was in bad shape. He could barely raise his eyes to look at me when I walked in. But he greeted me as always with "hey Rod". God, I would love to hear that again. He couldn't move his legs and his speech was slurred. He very much resembled a zombie. I had driven six hours, going as fast as I could because I could detect the urgency in my aunt's voice when she said, "Rod, you better come get him. He isn't doing good". Once I saw him I had to agree, he wasn't doing good.

My grandmother did her best to put on a good front and tried to be strong. She offered my some food to eat. Once finished, me and other family members loaded my dad into the car. I then realized that I heard wailing coming from inside the house. It was my grandmother. She knew she would never see him alive again. As long as I live I will never forget that sound. It haunts me until today. What a terrible curse, as to live so long to see your children die. God, please never let me go through that.

I began my return trip constantly checking on my dad. He seemed to gradually get worse as the drive went on. I kept asking him questions that I knew he knew the answer to, just to gauge how with it he was. He slept (or was unconscious) for most of the trip. He did awaken just an hour before we arrived back at my house because he had to pee. I had to help him pee into a jug as he sat in the car. I know, in his right mind, it would have humiliated my father for me to have to help him, but hey you do what you gotta do.

Once we arrived home, Lisa assisted me with getting him out of the car and into the bed provided by Hospice. By the way, Hospice was great and made everything so much easier for me and my family. He slept in our den for the next week and a half while I laid close by on the couch watching him and assisting him as needed.

Hospice visited us daily and took care of his personal needs and did put in a catheter much to his displeasure. However, there was a day that I will never forget and truly was the beginning of the end. Lisa and I had to change his sheets one morning as the kids were preparing for school. So we assisted my dad into a wheelchair as we began to change the sheets. I glanced over at him and noticed that he had thrown his head back and was starting to have a seizure. WHAT THE HELL...my dad has never had a seizure. I rushed to him and pulled him out of the wheelchair and laid him in the floor and on his side as he convulsed. Lisa called 911 because he was struggling to breath. The seizure only lasted a minute or two but it truly seemed like an eternity to me. It is then I realized that I was going to lose my dad. The paramedics arrived but really couldn't do anything because he was under the care of Hospice and had they taken to the hospital, hospice care would have ended. They helped get him back into the bed and that was the last time my dad ever left his bed. I completely broke down in front of my wife, kids, God and everybody. I couldn't help it. I was losing my best friend and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. This was the worst moment of my life.

Hospice came over quickly and began to tell us that he was starting to decline and explained the steps that he was going to go through (every step was right on). I was frightened, scared to death. They provided us a 24 hour nurse and began to make my dad as comfortable as possible. We knew he was going to die, we just didn't know when. A steady parade of my dad's friends and workers came to visit and sit with him. This helped Lisa and I to get some rest, make final preparations, and have some peace of mind.

A week later my dad passed away at the age of 70. He had crammed two life times into those 70 years and left a trail of memories for me to kling to. I have never loved anyone quite like I loved him. Of course I love my wife and family members, but my love for him was different. This was my life long friend, my golfing partner, my fishing partner, my teacher, my everything. I just kept thinking how am I supposed to go on without him. It has been a year now and I still haven't moved on. My life is a wreck. I am on medicine for depression. I can't focus on work or basically anything. I have a huge hole in my heart that I am trying to mend, but life just hasn't allowed me the time that I need yet. I wish it would.

I miss my dad yall. I really miss him. I would love to hear him say "hey Rod" one more time...just once. God, please help me to heal and move on before I end up destroying what life I have. I have people that depend on me and I can't let them down. I love them all. I wish I could remove the pain from my grandmother's heart too. She is suffering in silence and has lost so many loved ones. It hurts me to know that she has to live and endure a broken heart.

My dad died of brain and lung cancer. He only lived four months from the time he was diagnosed. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with him during those four months, but it wasn't enough. Treasure your loved ones and talk with them. Record memories, write down stuff, take pictures and videos. You will miss them one day just as I miss my dad.